


if we only got a moment, give it to me now

by deang1rl (pinkworm)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester in the Men of Letters Bunker, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Mutual Pining, a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29377644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkworm/pseuds/deang1rl
Summary: so like what if cas was feeling feelings for dean and vice versa and they handled it like adults? just a little one shot i had written. title is a song by perfume genius - slip away
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i thought what if instead of big declarations there was something domestic and quiet about them admitting their feelings, and that's how i wrote this. it was supposed to be something angsty but now it is what it is

“Isn’t she hot?” Dean asked, looking at the woman who had just bought him a drink. 

“Uh huh,” Sam said uninterested.

Cas just stared at the woman who was still making heart eyes at Dean from the other end of the room. Was buying drinks for someone a mating call? He made a mental note to ask Sam about it later on. 

“Well, should I go and thank her properly huh?” Dean said, licking his lips.

“Stop being a slut around me, that’s all,”Sam said tiredly. 

“What’s your problem man? Maybe you should go and relieve yourself of all this pent up aggression, if you know what I mean,” Dean retorted.

“What does he mean?” Cas asked.

“He is telling me to go have sex,” Sam said, downing another shot.

“Oh, okay,” he said knowingly and followed suit. “Are you tensed Dean?”

“What? No, but like, it feels good to get some attention ya know,” he answered absently.

Cas looked at the woman, who was still glancing frequently in Dean’s direction. 

Now, Cas was sure she was a good woman. Probably the kindest on earth, after Dean obviously. Maybe she was a teacher who saved puppies and also helped old people cross roads. But in that specific moment, in that seedy bar, Cas really disliked her.

He wasn’t sure why. This wasn’t the first time he had felt this way. His time on earth as a human had made him gain a greater affinity for human emotions, which stayed even after all of his powers were restored. There was a sudden influx of all sorts of emotions which did make it easier for him to react to things, but it also left him completely clueless at times. Why was Sam not feeling this way? He was feeling annoyed, but that was the usual “my brother is a dumbass” kind of annoyed, which Cas knew he was not capable of feeling, as he had no brothers here. What he felt was different. It started in his brain and then made its way to his heart, if he hyper focused on it for too long. It always happened regarding Dean. Whenever Dean was talking to someone else who was not Cas or Sam or any of his immediate family, and seemed to be really enjoying it, Cas felt a weird urge to hold Dean’s face and turn it in his direction. He wanted to say  _ talk to me talk to me talk to me. _ But he was sure that would be weird, because he had never seen anyone do that. He wanted to ask Sam about it, but he wasn’t how to approach the topic. 

“When will Charlie be here?” Sam asked.

“She said she would be here in ten minutes or so the last time I called her,” Dean said. “Hey Cas should I send her a drink back?”

“If you want to mate with her then, sure?” He said, hoping it was the right thing to say.

“Cas, you’re a funny one,” he said, drunk laughing. Drunk Dean smiled a lot, laughed a little louder than usual. It was honestly endearing to see. Cas wanted to get him drunk and say silly things just to see his crow’s feet crinkle when he laughed. He wasn’t sure if that too was a creepy thing. He would have to voice it out loud to gather from the brothers’ reactions. But he knew that not every thought was meant to be said out loud, as he had learnt after a lot of errors. He still remembered the way those two had screamed when he had told them in explicit detail his sexual adventures. Or the time he had asked them how to jerk off. 

Dean was still staring at the woman when Charlie walked in. She screamed excitedly upon seeing them and hugged them one by one. Cas hugged her back, now comfortable with the ways Charlie expressed affection with her friends. He also felt quite glad at the thought that he had a friend apart from the Winchesters. Not that they were bad company, but sometimes he felt like he was alone with them as one team. 

“You look good Charlie,” Cas said, looking at her floral shirt. “I like your shirt.”

“You look handsome as ever Cas, and thank you! I can get one for you too if you want,” she said.

“I would like that.”

“I would like to see you in that shirt too,” Dean said, looking at him.

“You would?” Cas asked, hopeful all of a sudden. He wasn’t really sure why but the thought of Dean seeing him in a floral shirt was a very pleasant one. 

“Yeah why not,” he said. “Okay so Charlie, how are you?”

“I am fine, just missed you all,” she said, taking a shot from Sam. 

“How’s your job going?” Sam asked. Charlie was working at a tech firm. In her own words, ‘can’t live without money in this fugly capitalistic world.”’

“Boring. But the receptionist is hot, and she often brings me a coffee at my table, so it’s not all bad,” she said.

“Charlie and secretary in a tree,” Dean half sang and Charlie laughed. 

“What?” Cas asked, clueless.

“It’s a weird thing which kids use to tease each other. A and B in the tree, K I S S I N G,” Sam explained. 

Cas nodded, still not getting the appeal. 

They talked about things, caught up with each other. Calire wanted to accompany them the next time they had a case. 

“As much as we love hunting, I am personally enjoying these rare days off,” Dean said, sipping his beer. The woman who had sent him a drink had moved closer with her group of friends. Cas could see her and Dean exchanging glances. He tried to focus on other things. 

“So, how are you?” Charlie asked him.

“I am fine, how are you?”

“Comme ci, comme ca,” she said and lit a cigarette. 

Dean got up from his seat. Cas whipped his head in his direction. 

“I’ll be back,” he said, stretching, his waist visible when he raised his arms.

“Okay whore,” Sam said and Dean just rolled his eyes. 

“It must be easy being conventionally attractive,” Charlie said.

“Are you calling me ugly?" Sam said, jokingly. 

“You know I am not,” Charlie said, grinning. “I just mean, it’s good men are interested in Dean too. It’s so tough for me to figure out if a girl is into me or just being nice.”

“Sucks,” Sam said. “I don’t get it but yeah that must be not nice.”

“Literally it sucks so much. For example, Naina, this receptionist, I don’t know if she is into women or not, and even though she and I do flirt once in a while, I cannot be totally sure. And like, I don’t wanna be friends with her I want to-”

“Please don’t tell me. I get it,” Sam said. He didn;t know whom to trust anymore.

“What about you Cas, anyone you like?” Charlie turned to him. 

“Huh?” 

“What’s up? You look lost,” she asked.

“Nothing,” he said. His mind was in a different dimension it seemed. All he could think about was Dean and what was he doing with that woman who had followed him in the washroom. 

“This is such a lame place, let’s go out,” she said, getting up. 

They followed her in the night and stood against Baby. Charlie fished in her backpack and pulled out a joint. Sam did a little whoop. 

“Cas, ever smoked weed before?” She asked, lighting it.

“No.”

“Let’s see how it affects angels,” she grinned. 

She took a drag and passed it to Cas who mimicked her. He felt something sharp in his lungs and he exhaled at once. 

“No, let it sit,” Sam said, taking it from him and showing him how to do it. 

He nodded and took the joint. 

“You practise on that, we’ll share this one,” Charlie said, laughing, taking another one out.

But Cas didn’t need to practise, it was easy one he was told what to do. He smoked the entire joint, and he could feel something in him shift. 

They stood there, looking at each other.

“Sam you’d be a pretty girl, ”Charlie said. “I’d probably date you.”

“I’d date you even if you weren’t a lesbian.”

“Isn’t that nice of you,” she giggled, holding onto the sleeves of the two men to balance herself. 

Cas started laughing. Something about the whole standing under a streetlight with two humans and smoking weed was so fucking funny to him. He could feel a certain lightness taking over him. 

“Why did Dean go with that dude?” He asked out loud, after they had stopped laughing about whatever they were laughing about. 

“Huh,” Sam asked. 

“What is Dean doing in there with that woman?”

“Oh, ” it took a while for Sam to remember Dean. “something along the lines of having sex?”

“Oh.”

“Why?” Charlie asked.

“I just, I don’t want him in there with her.”

“Why?” Charlie now looked at him.

“I don't know,” he sighed. “I just don’t like it when he talks to other people, or when they send him the mating call drink and he accepts. I didn’t like it when that girl Svetlana was over two nights ago,” he continued, referring to the girl Dean had brought over at the bunker. He had met her in the local diner. 

Charlie and Sam exchanged looks, their eyes wide and confused. 

“Anything else, Cas?” Charlie asked in an encouraging tone.

“I don’t know… I feel like I should be the one he should talk to you know, about things…” he paused. “I mean yeah, he has Sam, and I don’t mean he should ignore his brother but like what is the need of these other people? If he wants someone, I can be that someone, can I not? I mean?” He looked confused.

“Cas, I am going to ask you something, and you have to think and answer, okay?” Sam said, looking at Charlie. 

“Sure,” he said.

“Are you jealous of the people who are sleeping with Dean?”

Cas pondered over the question. “Now that you put it that way, yes I am.”

“Do you want him to sleep with you?” Sam asked, physically cringing.

“Maybe? I think so,” Cas said, with an air of finality. 

Charlie started laughing. “Oh my god, I knew it!”

“What?”

“That you had a crush on Dean! See Sam? I am never wrong!” She was practically jumping up and down. 

“You mean I have romantic feelings for Dean?” he asked.

“From what I hear, you have horny feelings for Dean, my dear Castiel,” she said, pulling his cheeks. 

“One day I will not be hearing about my brother’s sex life, but today is not the day,” Sam said. “This was the worst weed experience.”

“I apologise Sam,” Cas said and Sam just patted his shoulder.

“Now, you should go and talk to Dean about this,” Charlie said, already businesslike. 

“What?”

“Yeah she’s right,” Sam said.

“What am I supposed to say?”

“Whatever you told us. Have you ever slept with a man?”

Cas shook his head.

“Are you bisexual? Gay?”

“No idea,” he said.

“Why are you so adorable Cas?” Charlie said. 

They were still mulling over Cas’s problem when Dean walked out of the bar.

“I thought y’all left me here,” he said, his voice giddy.

“Were just about to,” Sam said.

“Okay, who’s going to drive?” 

“Cas will, he didn’t drink much, “ Sam said. 

“Better be careful with her,” Dean said, throwing the keys at him. Cas nodded. He looked at Sam and Charlie who just nodded at him, high as hell.

They decided to drop Charlie by her apartment before making their way to the bunker. 

Cas pulled up and they got out. 

“I am going to sleep. Nobody bother me at all,” Sam yawned and went inside. 

“Hey Dean, are you tired?” Cas asked once Sam made a dramatic exit, mouthing “talk to him” at Cas. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to do that.

“Not really buddy, what’s up?” 

“Do you wanna take a walk with me?” 

Dean nodded. “Sure.”

They started walking on the sidewalk. The air was a little chilly and Dean rubbed his hands together. 

“Being an angel must be cool, you don’t feel cold,” he commented.

“Yeah,” Cas said.

“So… why are we walking?” Dean asked. 

“How was tonight?”

“It was fun.”

“How was the woman you went to the bathroom with?”

“Damn Cas, nosy much?” Dean laughed. 

“I mean, did you enjoy it?”

“The fuck you on Cas? Are you high?”

“Yeah, but that’s besides the point. Do you enjoy sex?”

“Why are you being such a Christian? And wait, you’re high?”

“I am just asking, no judgement.”

“Yeah, I like it,” Dean said, looking confused. 

"Okay," he said. 

Dean looked at him, but said nothing. 

"What about you, do you like having sex?" Dean asked. 

"Yeah I think so," Cas replied. They were back to the front steps of the bunker. 

"We can go and pick out a chick for you tomorrow if you want," Dean offered. 

"No, sorry. I am not like you."

"What do you mean by that?" Dean asked, getting defensive. 

"I don't find the need to sleep with everyone who'd pay me attention just because I like sex."

"Whoa what's up with everyone slut shaming me today?"

"I mean, it just seems like you're a womaniser and you have no feelings," Cas wasn't sure where this was coming from but he was frustrated. It was a terrible feeling seeing Dean with other people. 

"Again with the preaching? The fuck you want me to do? Abstain?"

"I am no one to ask you to do anything," Cas replied. 

"Yeah, maybe if you sometimes ask me to do something I wouldn't have to sleep around," Dean said. His eyes widened. 

"What do you mean by that?" Cas asked. 

"Nothing," Dean mumbled. "Let's go inside."

"Yeah, it's not fun being with Cas anymore right," Cas replied, all of his angst turning into phrases which he didn’t know he was capable of saying. 

"What?"

"You don't talk to me when there are other girls around, you sleep with them, and now you want to go inside."

"What do you mean? I do talk to you," Dean offered, unconvincingly. 

"Yeah, you start treating them all special and what not and I turn into 'yeah that’s just Cas' and I hate that. Just two days ago Svetlana was practically in your lap during breakfast,” Cas said, mildly surprised by his own bitter tone.

Dean looked at him curiously. Cas looked away, unsure why he was feeling the way he was. He kind of  _ knew  _ why; Charlie and Sam had made him see it, but he did not want to embarrass himself in front of Dean. What if he ended up laughing at him and telling him to grow up or something like that? 

Maybe he had ruined everything.

“I am sorry, no pda in front of you from now on.”

“It’s not about  _ that  _ Dean,” Cas was frustrated now.

“What is it about huh?” Dean asked. 

“Nothing. You won’t get it,” Cas was feeling outright miserable for the first time in his life. The conversation was going nowhere. He was trying to say things without saying them and Dean was on an entirely different page than him. He decided to never get high again.

“You do not want me having sex, you don’t want me to see me with other people? I don’t care if you find it uncomfortable and your heavenly father is against it all or whatever but if I cannot have you it doesn’t mean I will become a celibate, okay?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Dean was looking shocked.

Cas looked at him. “What did you say?”

“That you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong,” Dean said, unconvincingly.

“You didn’t say that.”

“Whatever. Let’s go,” Dean said and tugged at Cas’ sleeve. Cas felt desire springing inside of him and he held Dean’s hand. The latter looked at him and Cas returned the stare. 

They stood like that, in front of the door, the night air getting colder by the minute.

“Cas, this is all stupid, neither of us are in our right minds, let’s go,” Dean said weakly.

“Okay,” Cas said. Yeah, Dean was definitely drunk.

They walked inside the house in silence, and parted ways when they reached Dean’s room. 

Before walking away, Cas looked at Dean one last time. “You may be out of your mind Dean, but I am not. I heard what you said.”

Dean looked at his hands. “I must have said it by mistake.”

“Do you mean that?”

Dean looked at Cas’s face, which was unreadable. He pondered over the question for a moment, and then nodded slowly.

This was one of the worst nights ever.

Cas started nodding. “Okay. Goodnight Dean.”

“Hey, wait-” Dean said softly but it was a weak attempt. Cas walked to his room and shut the door quietly.

He felt like a lot of ugly things were happening inside of him. But he also realised this was more than just physical desire. He didn’t just find Dean attractive, the way he’d find a moviestar attractive; his desire was rooted in the hope that maybe Dean wanted him too. He realised that the thing which made him aware of the heart inside of him was the wish that he got to hold Dean in his arms, and shield him from all bad things. And wasn’t this affection, in its most honest form?

Cas spent the entire night feeling miserable. If this is how it felt to have feelings for someone, why were humans so crazy about it?

*********

“What do you wanna do today?” Sam asked, when Dean got out of his room in the morning.

He rubbed his eyes and poured a cup of coffee. 

“Nothing. Might go to sleep again,” he said. He downed the entire coffee in less than a minute and made his way to the bathroom.

Cas entered from the front door just as Dean shut the bathroom.

“Hey Cas, morning,” Sam said.

“Morning Sam,” he replied.

“Where were you?”

“Went out for a walk.”

“Cool. Did you talk to him last night?”

“Yeah,” Cas tried to sound indifferent. “I’d rather not talk about it though, if you don’t mind.”

Sam looked at him and then nodded, understanding. “Suit yourself.”

Cas toasted bread and made omelettes for the Winchesters. He was feeling terrible on the inside and he wished he had someone else to talk to about this. He felt lonely in that kitchen even though two of the people whom he had been the closest to were right there. Well, one of them was right there. As if on cue, Dean emerged from the bathroom, wearing a black t shirt, his hair wet and sticking to his forehead; it had grown quite a bit and Cas was honestly liking the scruff look, it gave Dean some sort of boyish charm. He told himself to not think of him or his charms at all. He turned back to the pan, after Dean waved at him awkwardly. He served them breakfast.

“Are you not going to eat?” Sam asked.

“Don’t need it. Don’t feel like it,” he said, looking briefly at Dean who was very much interested in his food.

“You alright Cas? Did the weed make you all crazy?” 

“No, it was fine. I enjoyed it, at least momentarily.”

“Wait, you got high together?” Dean’s head whipped up.

“Along with Charlie,” said Sam with a mouth full of eggs.

“What, why?”

“Why do you get high Dean?”

“But what if it was not good for him?”

“I think I can decide what is good for me or not,” Cas said and the brothers looked at him, both shocked in their own ways.

Dean looked away, and continued eating.

“I am going out, I will be back soon,” Cas said and made his way to the door.

Dean watched him go.

“Dude, what did you do?” Sam asked.

“What?”

“He was pretty cool until last night, when you were with him. Did you say something to him?”

Dean thought back, and realised how he had accidentally confessed. Everything came back to him, a pile of stale and unpleasant memories. How Cas did not like what he said, how he had heard it all and was now annoyed. How he was against sex for some reason. It was such a tough and confusing night.

And now this. Cas was giving him the cold shoulder, Cas was ignoring him, Cas was smoking weed! Without him! It was honestly too much. When had Cas changed so much?

He finished up and put the dishes in the sink. He had nothing to do today, at least nothing related to hunting. He decided to read more about Hell and tactics to use when fighting demons, and to rest a little. His ribs were still healing and it sometimes hurt to move around.

He went to his room to look for his phone which he found in last night’s jeans. He had four messages from an unknown number. 

_ hey dean, rin here  _

_ we met last night _

_ hope u remember lol _

_ anyways if you’re still around tonight wanna meet up again? had fun with you ;) _

The texts annoyed him so much. If he had not had his “whore moment” as Sam called them, he wouldn’t be in this position right now. 

He ignored the texts and laid down on his bed, picking up a book.

He had almost dozed off when Sam opened his door. “Dean I am going out, I need new shirts. Do you want to come with me?”

“No, suit yourself.”

“Do you want something?”

“Probably a burger. Yeah, definitely a burger.”

“Okay, cool.”

Sam bid him goodbye. Dean got out of the bed. He checked Cas’s room to see if he had returned. It was empty. 

He walked into the ‘living room’ and looked around. There was nothing to do. Standing here, with the sunlight pouring in and the comfortable silence of the bunker, Dean could almost pretend that the world wasn’t ending. But he was also made aware of how something in his own life was crumbling.

He had tried so hard to not look at Cas. He had tried to forget about him and the curve of his neck and his back and his hands and his face and his laughter. He drank, killed, slept with others, all in a way to stop his brain from thinking about that one person. 

And now he had ruined it. He had said a stupid line and Cas had heard it and was now avoiding him. Were his feelings so disgusting? Was  _ he  _ a terrible person? Were his promiscuous ways actually something which had made Cas lose respect and faith in him?

Suddenly the room was too hot, the stillness too loud. He wanted to shout but he knew he wouldn’t be able to. He wanted Cas. 

He sat at the table tiredly. He put his head on the table and tried to make himself not think of the things which hurt. 

He was spiralling in his own thoughts when the door opened. He looked up, hoping it to be Cas but it turned out to be Svetlana. The girl from a few days ago. They had helped her get rid of her sister’s ghost. Dean had slept with her twice, and had not thought of it more than that. Except now it only filled his mouth with distaste. Thinking about how Cas had been sitting at an arm’s length from him, resenting his choices that morning, he was overcome with feelings of shame. 

“You alone?” she asked, putting a casserole on the table.

He nodded.

“Everything alright?” She asked.

“Yeah, everything is just perfect,” he said.

“You seem tired,” she said, walking towards him. She stood next to him and turned his face to her in such a way that he was facing her chest. He felt uncomfortable. “Do you want me to help you in some way?” She was playing with his hair now.

“No, it’s alright,” he said and pulled himself as further as he could. 

She stared at him. “Why?”

“Just like that,” he said. “Look, you’re great and-”

“I am not looking for a relationship Dean. I am as casual about this as you are,” she said.

“I don’t wanna do this. I am tired of being casual about things,” he said.

“Okay, I am getting a feeling that this is about something else,” she said, stepping away. He looked away, not meeting her eyes.

“I am just done with things,” he said, feeling the heaviness taking over.

She moved ahead again and held him close to him. “Why do you let the world defeat you, old man?”

He wanted to be held that way for a long long time. He also wanted Cas to be the one to hold him. He did not move at all, and let the soft fabric of Svetlana’s tshirt caress his cheek. 

They were interrupted by the door being opened again. He raised his head to see who it was and he felt his heart flatlining at the sight of Cas, who was looking at them with wide eyes. Before he could say anything, Cas had regained composure and went inside his room, muttering something along the lines of an apology.

Dean stood up with a start. “You should go,” he said, suddenly tense. 

“Why?”

“I, uh,” he waved his hands around helplessly.

“Is it about him?” she asked.

Dean looked at the closed door and nodded. “I mean, I-”

Svetlana smiled. “I get it.”

Dean nodded, not sure if she actually did.

She touched his cheek softly. “Don’t mess up with the people you are close to, yours isn’t the age to forge new relationships.”

He considered what she said and put his hand on hers which was still on his cheek.

“Take care Svetlana, thank you,” he said.

“You too Dean Winchester,” she said and blew him a kiss before going out the door.

Dean stood there, staring at the door which led to Cas’s room. He wondered what he was supposed to say. He decided to just go with it. All his life he had been ruined by fear, and now wasn’t the time for it. If he was to be rejected, he wanted it to be honest and to his face. He deserved to have his love be known. 

He laughed quietly, he had never in his life thought he would be in such a situation. He pressed his shirt down and made his way to Cas’s room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t hate you either Cas,” Dean said, “I just wished I was brave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can probably tell i am cas coded dean girl :)  
> i don;t write nsfw scenes so there's not much like that sorry if you came for that

As soon as Cas shut the door to his room, he could hear his own heart laughing bitterly. Dean didn’t care. At all. He felt ready to dissolve into a puddle of disappointment. 

He did not hate Svetlana, nor did he hate Dean for liking her, but seeing them together, like that, it hurt his hands and his heart and his head. If he weren’t dignified, he would have collapsed on the floor in front of them. 

Maybe he was making a big deal out of it all. Maybe humans weren’t capable of feeling things with such intensity and there had been some mixup when he had got his grace back. He took his trench coat and sat on the bed.

He could hear faint murmurs from outside but he made no attempt at eavesdropping. After a few moments, he heard the front door shut. 

Maybe they had decided to go away somewhere together; maybe her place, or wherever one went. He looked around, trying to find something to focus on but failing. 

He wondered if this is how it was going to be with Dean; them avoiding each other, averting eyes, reaching out to other people in order to not end up turning to each other. How was he supposed to cope with that? 

He looked back at all the times Dean and he had gotten extremely close, gotten intimate in a way which Cas failed to be with anyone else. He had always thought Dean too shared this with him and him only. But then whenever it seemed like they had reached a concrete point, Dean would laugh and slap his back or walk away or make up some excuse. And then go and sleep with someone else.

Why was Cas mixing it all up? Dean was his best friend, and Cas had feelings for him and now he had to contain it all inside of him and carry on. 

He was still deep in thought when Dean opened the door and peeked inside. 

“Hey, Cas, you free?” he asked.

“Yeah,” he replied, surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded.

“You alright?” Dean asked, walking in.

Cas nodded and shifted a little as Dean sat next to him.

They sat in silence, Cas acutely aware of every fibre of Dean’s body. He could just touch him right now if he wanted to. He could. He wanted to. But he would not. 

“I am sorry about what you saw out there,” Dean started. “I know I promised you last night that there would be no more pda in your space but it wasn’t what it looked like.”

“It’s okay Dean, it really is,” Cas said. “I am not blaming you.”

“Okay,” Dean said. 

It was quiet again. Cas didn’t know how to break the silence. He had never thought he'd be in such a situation with Dean so he had never bothered. 

"We weren't going to have sex or anything," Dean said softly, almost guiltily. Cas felt so bad about it that he almost put his hand on Dean's shoulder. 

"Please don't stop because of me," he finally managed to say. "All of this is quite silly if you ask me."

"It's not. I don't want you to think of me as a bad person because of my habits. I don't like sleeping around, I do it for my own reasons. But I will not do it if it makes you uncomfortable. I cannot sabotage our friendship for stupid things like these."

"Dean," Cas said, and Dean looked up. "I don't judge you. I was just confused and high last night, I was saying things just like that. You didn't understand what I meant, and I have no right to tell you whom to sleep with or whatever. Let's move past this. Do whatever you want."

"I can't move past this with you dismissing it like it's no big deal!" Dean said, exasperated. "I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dirty."

"I don't think that. I am aware of human desire, and I don't want to make you suppress it."

“I just,” and here Dean slumped into himself. “You don’t understand.”

“Make me,” Cas said, softly.

“It will leave me empty, Cas,” Dean replied, glancing in his direction and Cas felt the need to embrace him. But he didn’t.

“Maybe it’s just you overthinking it,” Cas said.

“No. I have seen how you look at me with distaste, and you made it quite evident last night, when we talked. You hate it all, and that ”

Cas almost gasped audibly. Was this really what Dean thought? He looked at Dean, who looked back at him, with so much unhappiness in his eyes that it made Cas want to spill everything. 

“Dean,” he started. “I don’t look at you with distaste. I do not hate you - please stop thinking that. I think you are one of the nicest people on earth, probably the best according to me. I am sorry I reacted that way yesterday, I was thinking about some things and I made it about you.” 

Dean looked at him, his face still. Cas wanted him to break into one of his smiles so badly. He ached to touch his face. They were now incredibly close, he wasn’t sure when that happened. It made it worse, but it also felt so good.

“I don’t hate you either Cas,” Dean said. Cas nodded. “I just wished I was brave.”

His words lingered in the air the way their eyes did over each other’s faces. Cas was sure he was reading too much into it. But he could swear Dean leaned forward a little, just a little. 

Cas could feel the words on the tip of his tongue. The sunlight in his room had given him a new clarity and he knew it wasn’t just mere attraction, it was more. It was so much more. But he knew it was wrong. All of it was wrong. He didn’t deserve it. He was going to get his heart broken. 

He backed up and looked away. That broke the reverie Dean was in too. 

“I am sorry, I will still try to not do it all in front of you,” he said finally.

Cas sighed. “That’s not what it is about.”

“What is it about?”

“I cannot tell you.”

“Why?”

“Probably the same reason you cannot be brave.”

Cas looked at his hands, feeling miserable and anxious. Why was it not easy to just say it? He could feel the words in his mouth, making him feel like he had just had a jar of honey. 

“Cas, you may be entirely wrong about it, you don’t know what I mean,” Dean replied, sounding scared and tired. 

“All I am saying is you don’t have to worry about things with me, you can take your chance. I don’t want to say something because I am afraid I will end up ruining a good thing in my life, probably the best thing in my life,” he could feel Dean looking at him. “Whereas you, you have Sam. You are going to end up on the other side, victorious. You have people who love you. You should take your chances. A life spent hiding isn’t a life at all.

“All I am saying is, I don’t want to lose you because of something foolish which I do. But I also want to see you happy.”

“What if my happiness is in the hands of someone else?”

“Then hold their hands,” Cas said, crying now. 

Dean held his hand and put it on his own heart. “You cannot blame me for what I am about to do,” he said and before Cas could even fully nod, Dean had pressed his lips to his. 

This. This is what the humans were so crazy about. The feeling which seemed to be tiny fireworks going off everywhere in his body. He kissed back, trying his best, his head reeling. Was it actually happening? Yes it was. He held Dean’s chin with his free hand and broke free. He started to say something but nothing came out. He just let out a short laugh which Dean caught in his mouth as he kissed him again. 

They broke apart after a while, looking at each other, breathless. 

“Was this real?” Cas asked.

“The only real thing I have had in awhile,” Dean said and blushed. “I am sorry, I say stupid things,” he mumbled.

Cas laughed. “Do you wanna know an actual stupid thing?”

Dean nodded, smiling widely. Cas knew his own smile was as big as his. 

“Okay so last night, I uh, I was jealous of the girl you were with and I was going to tell you about it,” he said.

Dean looked at him, surprised. “You were jealous?”

Cas nodded.

“You were going to tell me about it?”

He nodded again.

“Man, I lost an opportunity to hear you talk about feelings?” Dean said. “You were jealous last night? So the whole Svetlana thing was also…?” he trailed off.

“Yeah,” Cas said, looking away.

Dean laughed. “Oh my god, and here I was thinking you were slut shaming me.”

“No, I was simply shaming you for not realizing that I love you.”

Suddenly the room was still and the weight of Cas’s words fell on both of them. Dean’s eyes were wide, and Cas was sure he looked like the people in the movies when they came across ghosts. 

“I mean, you don’t have to say it back or even have similar feelings, I am currently just very pleased with what we did, that is kissing and I’d like it if we went back to it,” Cas started rambling. He was such a mess.

“It is indeed such a shame,” Dean said., “that I did not know about this earlier. We could have gotten together sooner.” He traced Cas’s left cheekbone.

“Are we together?”

“I mean, we love each other,” Dean said, softly. 

“We do?”

Dean nodded and kissed Cas’s cheeks. And then his forehead. And then his eyes. 

Cas could feel all cells in his body bloom. This was what the big deal was all about. This was it.

He held Dean’s face in his hands and kissed him back, everywhere he could. Top of his head, his forehead, his nose, his cheekbone scar, the corner of his lips, the base of his throat. 

The world might be coming to an end, and they might have to walk out of the room at any given moment but right now, with Dean under him, the sun rays engulfing them in a warmth neither had felt before, Cas had discovered the secrets of the universe in the hands of a man and nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentine's day <3

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! <3


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